Jesus came to me as light. I saw His heart and I saw His smile. Light moved across His heart, from one end of it to another. It was a big heart. It seemed like fire and light, but as it moved in His heart, I felt the warmth in my own heart. And the smile said, “it’s okay.”
One of my pastors likes to sing a song. It speaks of how Jesus is something to shout about. I always wondered about that song. It had something to it I couldn’t relate to; not back then at least. Remember the song I Can Only Imagine? And the parts that speak of not knowing what to do when you behold Jesus face to face? Well, this one is different, it says, “when you see Him, you will start to shout.”
Although that part always especially got to me, I usually sang along rather dryly and emptily, because I really couldn’t relate to it. I occasionally tried adding some “emotion” to it, but since I’m naturally not cut out for drama, the dryness always eventually showed. And then, I saw Him.
Jesus came to me as light
A group of us had been waiting on Him with fasting and prayer in a certain “lower” room for two days. This somewhat reminds me of the upper room experience where the disciples of Christ had waited for the promised Holy Spirit’s outpouring.
At the end of this meeting, we were told that all we really need to do to see Him is to completely focus on Him. The minister didn’t just say this, He made us put it into practice. And we did.
That day, I saw how hard it is to focus. We went ahead and “engaged” Him as we were told. I sat down there in the circle of desperate believers with my eyes shut, waiting, longing to see Him. Who doesn’t want to see Jesus? If He is still alive then why not. It wasn’t long before some people started reacting to Him. They were seeing Him. And I wasn’t. Then, the battle started within.
Why were they seeing Him and I wasn’t? I started to get distracted. Still, I kept my eyes shut. Long minutes passed and I was certain that everyone had seen Him. I tried to be brave about the disappointment I felt. I was quite sure I’d never see Him. So, I was just going to sit down there till it was time to leave. But I kept asking, “Will I really leave without seeing You?”
It was then that I saw Him.
Read Also: I Felt The Warmth Of His Embrace – Comfort
I didn’t see Him in a flowing gown or too much flesh. Honestly, up until that point, I still battled with what I saw. I wondered if I was simply imagining or remembering one of the many images of Him I had seen on posters. He saw the struggle, and then He helped me.
I saw His heart and I saw His smile. Light moved across His heart, from one end of it to another. It was a big heart. It seemed like fire and light, but as it moved in His heart, I felt the warmth in my own heart. And the smile said, “it’s okay.”
I could rest. I had been very tired and this wasn’t just physical. I started to laugh and then I started to cry. I still tried to hold it in, determined to understand it first. I didn’t want to be dramatic and I certainly didn’t want stares.
Then, I was laughing and crying hysterically. I wasn’t sure if it was because the warmth tickled and comforted or if it was just knowing that He wasn’t an angry savior. There was more communication in that moment than I can explain.
He made me sing
I started to sing and shout. I had never sung like that in my entire life. I was now really singing to Him, not whatever I had been doing before. I didn’t know the songs I sang, and I didn’t remember them afterward. They were spontaneous. Then I realized that I could sing Him new songs every single day. I was lost in Him. I could no longer sit down. I navigated the room with my eyes closed. Other people’s experiences could no longer distract me. It was only Him and me in the world.
I felt like I could fly as I sang. I want to describe it better, you know, but I can’t. I went on and on and on. I didn’t want to stop. I felt like I could die there. But eventually, I did stop, with a promise that I’ll never leave and a prayer that if I ever started to forget, or be less intentional, He should remind me – more like bring me back.
I opened my eyes after this to find I was the only one left in the room.
You may wonder what the fuss is about seeing Him. Is it necessary? Can’t we just live and obey His commandments?
It is needful to see Him. Very. Have you ever heard of anyone who saw Him and remained the same? Take the apostle Paul as a common example (Acts 9). Seeing Him changes you, if not for life, it changes you for a long long time until you choose to forget.
Seeing Him changed me
I have been tired sometimes and fallen back into routine. After that meeting, I learned to take Him with me to my room. It became my safe, my secret place. I didn’t want to be experiencing Him in church or anywhere elsewhere if I couldn’t experience Him in my room. I wanted my secret place to flourish and it did. Somedays I got tired and kept trying to ignite the fire which never worked (in hindsight, I didn’t have to try. I only had to trust). We can’t tell Him how to come. He will come however He likes once He sees that we’re ready to have Him. And when I surrendered, a new song came. And then, some more came. I didn’t always record them, and I sometimes sang them just once. They weren’t commercial songs. They were songs that made me feel that He just wanted to hear my voice. I always felt so connected when I sang them.
Then, I fell in love with my room. If I was outside, I’d hurry up so that I could go back to my room. Once I shut the door, it was fellowship time. It was awesome; admittedly, some days more than some others. What I found, however, is that consistency is key. If I missed a day of fellowship, the void was obvious and then I’d try to make up.
But I believe this is how Jesus works. If we are intentional, deliberate, maybe even desperate about meeting with Him, He responds to us beyond our own imagination. Imagine what would happen if you spent every moment of your life in your ‘secret place’? Like you take it with you everywhere you go.
Jesus Came To Me As Light – Oto
Read Other Stories on Most Intimate Moments with Jesus
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