I was about 7 years of age when I told my mum about how I had been molested severally by my step-cousin. She cried bitterly. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her that I’d suffered the same in the hands of my cousin, her twin brother’s son. I was too scared of what her reaction would be.
Being exposed to sex at that age scarred me. I naturally began to crave the same thing. Several other things only made things worse. I had a seatmate who used to masturbate in class while I was in primary 2. She lured me into the same. Soon, I found that even this didn’t satisfy. So, I, at that age, went ahead and molested a child who was younger than myself. I did it once and couldn’t keep at it. My conscience wouldn’t let me. But this didn’t take away the lust for the same things.
I struggled with this for years. The movies I watched and the books I read… they all made things worse.
Soon, I lost concentration in school and my grades began to drop. I was always attracted to boys although I decided not to have a boyfriend in secondary school.
The thing about these things is, if you sincerely seek to be good, you eventually become tired. I became tired and began seeking redemption when I was 16. I wanted to be free from the bondage. I didn’t have a friend I could trust and didn’t want my dignity to be shredded to pieces before my family. I failed Maths in SSCE and couldn’t further my education. I became too confused at some point. On top of that, I thought God wouldn’t have mercy on me because I had defiled myself. I was oblivious to the truth of grace and forgiveness. I couldn’t forgive myself for everything I had done and I assumed God would not forgive me.
So, I broke completely. I threw caution to the wind and gave myself over to my weakness. I downloaded and played X-rated games, watched pornography all the time, became addicted. I stopped feeling the remorse even. Sexual lust became quite normal for me.
Even after I came to know of God’s grace and received Jesus into my life, it felt like I had just taken the first step in a journey, with others to follow, the second which was the battle to being freed from this weakness in my flesh. Several times I failed. I didn’t know how to fight this. I looked more to myself and how I could do away with this than I looked to Him and how He is the one who redeems. I kept failing at fighting as a result.
Nobody knew what I was struggling with until I finally summoned the courage to also tell my mum about my affair with her nephew, my cousin. At some point, I told her and my sister about my struggles with pornography. They didn’t take it so well and it wasn’t exactly easy for me after I told them.
My quest for a solution never worked. I guess I was trying to find a solution but doing it all wrong. It’s why I personally advise people who are dealing with such issues to speak up. Find someone you can trust and speak to them about it (James 5:16). When you hide, the devil still finds a way to come against you. Most times, he succeeds. Talking doesn’t mean broadcasting to the world. It means finding someone to share your burden with and be accountable to. To a degree, it helps you deal with your shame.
I used to feel extremely downcast. I sought different options; I read books, listened to sermons, joined different groups. None of these worked. I subjected myself to damnation and even attempted suicide once. I felt dirty and damned until He spoke to me… through a song. It was a song by Travis Greene. This part of the song ministered to me: “on the edge of a cliff nothing below but tragedy, at the end of myself nowhere to go but down from here”.
At that point, I knew I had to lean on Him above all else. I felt the weight and burden of my weaknesses but He spoke to me and asked that I rest under His love. I wept so much because He didn’t judge me even after I had judged myself. That He still chose to speak to a sinner like me gave me consolation.
I became encouraged and soon found that His grace is sufficient. I’m so glad what happened at Calvary cannot be undone.I knew I had to lean on Him above all else. I felt the weight and burden of my weaknesses but He spoke to me and asked that I rest under His love. I wept so much because He didn’t judge me even after I had judged myself.
I won’t say that I never feel the triggers – it had become a habit – but I do not let them overcome me. In the past, I just let the thoughts win whenever they came, which eventually made me fall. However, since I set forth to trust Him, my approach became different. I no longer allow the triggers manifest into acts. I direct all that energy elsewhere and it doesn’t lead to me into taking any action that won’t glorify God. In essence, I’m not just training myself spiritually to overcome it; I’m also being psychological about it.
I eventually did away with every material (books and the likes) that could serve as triggers. This only leaves me with the choice of focusing on Him and finding victory.
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