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Molested As A Child, I Lived With The Guilt, Attempted Suicide, Then I Encountered Grace – Temi

I was about 7 years of age when I told my mum about how I had been molested severally by my step-cousin. She cried bitterly. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her that I’d suffered the same in the hands of my cousin, her twin brother’s son. I was too scared of what her reaction would be.

Being exposed to sex at that age scarred me. I naturally began to crave the same thing. Several other things only made things worse. I had a seatmate who used to masturbate in class while I was in primary 2. She lured me into the same. Soon, I found that even this didn’t satisfy. So, I, at that age, went ahead and molested a child who was younger than myself. I did it once and couldn’t keep at it. My conscience wouldn’t let me. But this didn’t take away the lust for the same things.

I struggled with this for years. The movies I watched and the books I read… they all made things worse.

Soon, I lost concentration in school and my grades began to drop. I was always attracted to boys although I decided not to have a boyfriend in secondary school.

The thing about these things is, if you sincerely seek to be good, you eventually become tired. I became tired and began seeking redemption when I was 16. I wanted to be free from the bondage. I didn’t have a friend I could trust and didn’t want my dignity to be shredded to pieces before my family. I failed Maths in SSCE and couldn’t further my education. I became too confused at some point. On top of that, I thought God wouldn’t have mercy on me because I had defiled myself. I was oblivious to the truth of grace and forgiveness. I couldn’t forgive myself for everything I had done and I assumed God would not forgive me.


 Read Also: I Was Bloodthirsty And Power Hungry, But A Higher Power Saved Me – Babatunde

So, I broke completely. I threw caution to the wind and gave myself over to my weakness. I downloaded and played X-rated games, watched pornography all the time, became addicted. I stopped feeling the remorse even. Sexual lust became quite normal for me.

Even after I came to know of God’s grace and received Jesus into my life, it felt like I had just taken the first step in a journey, with others to follow, the second which was the battle to being freed from this weakness in my flesh. Several times I failed. I didn’t know how to fight this. I looked more to myself and how I could do away with this than I looked to Him and how He is the one who redeems. I kept failing at fighting as a result.

Nobody knew what I was struggling with until I finally summoned the courage to also tell my mum about my affair with her nephew, my cousin. At some point, I told her and my sister about my struggles with pornography. They didn’t take it so well and it wasn’t exactly easy for me after I told them.

My quest for a solution never worked. I guess I was trying to find a solution but doing it all wrong. It’s why I personally advise people who are dealing with such issues to speak up. Find someone you can trust and speak to them about it (James 5:16). When you hide, the devil still finds a way to come against you. Most times, he succeeds. Talking doesn’t mean broadcasting to the world. It means finding someone to share your burden with and be accountable to. To a degree, it helps you deal with your shame.


 Read Also: I Was Molested Severally As A Child But God’s Grace Healed Me – Abigail

I used to feel extremely downcast. I sought different options; I read books, listened to sermons, joined different groups. None of these worked. I subjected myself to damnation and even attempted suicide once. I felt dirty and damned until He spoke to me… through a song. It was a song by Travis Greene. This part of the song ministered to me: “on the edge of a cliff nothing below but tragedy, at the end of myself nowhere to go but down from here”.

At that point, I knew I had to lean on Him above all else. I felt the weight and burden of my weaknesses but He spoke to me and asked that I rest under His love. I wept so much because He didn’t judge me even after I had judged myself. That He still chose to speak to a sinner like me gave me consolation.

I became encouraged and soon found that His grace is sufficient. I’m so glad what happened at Calvary cannot be undone.

I won’t say that I never feel the triggers – it had become a habit – but I do not let them overcome me. In the past, I just let the thoughts win whenever they came, which eventually made me fall. However, since I set forth to trust Him, my approach became different. I no longer allow the triggers manifest into acts. I direct all that energy elsewhere and it doesn’t lead to me into taking any action that won’t glorify God. In essence, I’m not just training myself spiritually to overcome it; I’m also being psychological about it.

I eventually did away with every material (books and the likes) that could serve as triggers. This only leaves me with the choice of focusing on Him and finding victory. 


Read Other Salvation Stories

I knew I had to lean on Him above all else. I felt the weight and burden of my weakness but He spoke to me and asked that I rest under His love. I wept so much because He didn’t judge me even after I had judged myself.Click To Tweet

 

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