I had always been a good church girl. Born to Christian parents (who are now separated), I loved being a child of God who always desired to be ready for heaven.
Molested as a child
However, while I was still a child, I got exposed to some inane acts. Before I was 8, I was molested, introduced to sex – lesbianism – by my classmate’s elder sister. We happened to be neighbors and this proximity gave her access to me as she severally molested her younger sister and me. This did not leave me the same. Driven by the urges, I began abusing younger boys of about 7. I was just 12 then and didn’t know what I was doing, it just felt normal to use those boys. I regret it now that I know better. I see one of those boys struggling now and it hurts. I’m not sure he even remembers but I’m praying for him and trying to reach out to him.
About the same time, I was molested by my male cousin, who was about the same age. At 13, a male family friend who’s 8 or 9 years older, did the same to me. I eventually became given to watching pornography and masturbating at such a young age. The Harlequin, and M&B novels I read made things worse.
Yet, somehow, I still managed to come off to people as a morally upright person who fears God. I even tried to convince myself that I was a good Jesus baby. I would always go to God to ask for forgiveness after I did all these things and would somewhat feel better, only for a relapse to occur. My room bears witness to the countless times I have rededicated my life to God.
I got into the University and, as a fresh student, I was made a member of the executive. I was fervent in the things of God, yet I struggled with masturbation, pornography, and lies. Even my determination did not keep me away from them. It rather took me away from God. I couldn’t go to God for help because I always felt hopeless and unclean. I almost decided to just sell myself into prostitution since I couldn’t help it. At least, that way, I would easily regard myself as a bad person and quit the pretense. I felt I was struggling to enjoy the fellowship people have with God, neither was I free to enjoy what the ‘bad girls’ enjoyed. And had to pick what I considered the easier side.
I never told anyone my struggles. And although I was tired of leaving this way, I just continued as the “mumsy,” the one people looked up to in the fellowship. But I was suffering.
However, in my fourth year in the university, the Holy Spirit revealed Himself to me. He let me with a message which said, “in your weakness, there lies My strength,” (2 Corinthians 12:9). This gave me renewed strength to resist these temptations. Sometimes, I have fallen, especially when I become too busy to spend time with Him. This makes me realize the importance of spending time with God and His word. It’s like feeding your spirit to be stronger than your flesh.
A testimony of God’s love and faithfulness
I can testify that God really loves me. Somehow, I still never found a way to stray completely from Him through my struggles.
Temptations abound. But His grace has always kept me. I have had to learn to take my stand, affirm my position in Christ and speak back at the devil, times when I had to pray the scriptures to scale through the times, times when I had to be reminded of my new nature as a new creation in Christ, and through it all, He has been faithful in seeing me through.
Read Also: Sexually Abused At Five, I Bore The Trauma And Guilt Alone, Then I Found Redemption – Oluwaseye
A passage of scripture always resonates in my spirit: “walk in the Spirit and you will not fulfill the desires of the flesh,” (Galatians 5:16). This is my guiding principle.
As a result, I find that when I am tempted, God begins to open my eyes to my identity in Christ, self-control, the weapons with which to fight these things, and I suddenly find a window of escape. I just need to open my eyes to see and I win.
Not that I have arrived at the end but I press on. The Holy Spirit has been my best friend. Whenever my mind goes awol, He just brings it back. Sometimes I tell Him, “You see, if not for You, You know where I would have gone and what I would have done with my life. Thank You.”
It is quite difficult to fight the base desires of the flesh. But with the Holy Spirit, it is better, we find strength.
I’ll add that it is dangerous to assume that everyone in Church is ‘fine’. People are broken, struggling, sometimes because of a lack of light or fellowship. Check up on your brothers and sisters, pray with them, strengthen them.
It has been an awesome walk with God. I believe that it’ll continue so.
So I guess this really isn’t the story of how Jesus once became real to me but of how He has manifested His strength in the weaknesses I have suffered.It is dangerous to assume that everyone in Church is ‘fine’. People are broken, struggling, sometimes because of a lack of light or fellowship. Check up on your brothers and sisters, pray with them, strengthen them.
I Was Molested Severally As A Child But God’s Grace Healed Me – Abigail
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